Ups Jokes

If iron man and quick sliver teamed up.. They would be alloys.

So the other day I was looking up zodiac sign stuff you know im a real big fan of that and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have there own hairstyles... except cancer.

Why should you wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. -- I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I almost a joke about parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

911 what’s your emergency Me, my grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she’s dead Well it’s not a living room any more Me, hangs up

Pickup line; Hey mama you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you

the gas prices are going up that even Hitler is killing himself

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death you may end up regretting it, you can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if i’m wrong.

3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall and when I got out a handicap man told me that I was an a**hole and I told him “bet you won’t stand up and say that to my face” and hen he broke down.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance and I'm tired of it. Today I push him out of his wheelchair.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing while a man named Chris comes up and asks “which one is yours?” The man said “I don’t know i’m still deciding.”

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun..... Then it dawned on me

A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says "give me five beers."

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good but I loved the execution.

Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water

But after jumping in the ocean its 100%just like my depression.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "you mathematicians don't know your limits."