Ups jokes

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

Bro has to get a fringe to cover up the big, increasing hairline.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Papyrus: Sans, I have a joke. What do you call someone lazy and incompetent?

Sans: What do you call them?

Papyrus: YOU! NOW GET UP AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU LAZY BONES!

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because I'd smash.

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?

There is none, they both go up in flames.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he pulled out a "Plants vs. Zombies" map and that shii fit perfectly.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...