Ups jokes

Pilot: This is my last flight, everyone.

Passengers: *Clap*

Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason: To conquer my greatest fear.

Flight Attendant: And what is that?

Pilot: Dying alone. *speeds up towards Twin Towers*

Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jen---

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

Joe Mama so fat when she stepped on the sidewalk, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I once was playing with my friend and Roblox girlfriend, then one day, they cheated on me. I broke up with her and unfriended him, then I saw my mom and my uncle crying!

Me be like: ;-;

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

If a fat person were to go on a flying car, it will just be at the ground. When they exit, it will just fly up.

Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff, and says, “I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten.”

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. “Mein Fuhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?”

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Jews.”

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

They both ended up in Cairns.

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

I got banana nut bread for you.

Oh no, the nuts are missing!

Oh, I found them!

You know where they are?

UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!