I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Ups Jokes
You're so skinny when you lift up weights, you fall through your asshole.
When your friends [are] talking about sports:
Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁
Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱
Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀
I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
Pilot: This is my last flight, everyone.
Passengers: *Clap*
Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason: To conquer my greatest fear.
Flight Attendant: And what is that?
Pilot: Dying alone. *speeds up towards Twin Towers*
Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jen---
what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?
sue the dating site for matching her with him.
Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.
Joe Mama so fat when she stepped on the sidewalk, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."
The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"
The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."
My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I once was playing with my friend and Roblox girlfriend, then one day, they cheated on me. I broke up with her and unfriended him, then I saw my mom and my uncle crying!
Me be like: ;-;
A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."
If a fat person were to go on a flying car, it will just be at the ground. When they exit, it will just fly up.
Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff, and says, “I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten.”
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. “Mein Fuhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?”
Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Jews.”
