Ups

Ups jokes

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

The teacher asks her class, "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says, "Sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.

A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,

"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.

Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

  • 2
  • I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

  • 6
  • Mrs. Mallara's boobs were (69) pounds. She said that was too too too much (69222), so she went to 51st Street (6922251) to visit Doctor X (6922251 x), and the surgery lasted 8 hours (6922251 x 8).

    She ended up (the total flipped upside down spells boobless) (=)55378008

    A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

    He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

    A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.