I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.
Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.
Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.
The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."
The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"
One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"
I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.
What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?
Two beeps went off.
Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"
Q: What do you call two nuns watching television?
A: Not very interesting.
Two friends were hanging out with each other next to a tree.
Too bad only one was standing. :)
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie with Batman? Two family reunions!
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
What are the two hottest cities in the world? Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
There were two twins, and they were both very tall.
The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.
At baseball practice...
"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"
"No, but I got two right here."
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
Hello my fellow Americans, I'm playing Clash Royale for the USA clan, and two towers are already gone?
Why were 9/11 victims so mad?
They ordered three pepperoni pizzas, not two planes!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Answer: Your mom.
Your mom's so fat that One Punch Man had to take two punches.
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.
A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"
