Turn jokes

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

Three girls were lined up for execution. The black-haired one, being the smart one, turned around and yelled, "Tornado!"

Everyone panicked, and she escaped. The red-headed one, following her example, shouted as the executioners got back, "Hurricane!"

The red-headed friend escaped too. Now, it was the blonde's turn. Following both her friends, she turned to the executioners and yelled:

"Fire!"

Bro, your head is so big that it shines so bright, it turns into a lightbulb.

Kyler, go on this one.

I thought that kid was walking cool when I had my ears shut. It turns out he was moaning.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

Your hairline reminds me of a car taking a U-turn.

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Do you know why no one speaks about George Washington?

John Adams turned him into atoms. John Adams was an alien.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

"Batteries, batteries, who the batteries in your remotes and everything else you got in your house is turned upside down?"

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.

When pigs went to the desert, they turned into bacon.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.