Turn jokes

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.

This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

What does an Xbox/PlayStation and Michael Jackson have in common?

Kids turn them on.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.

You watch 50 Shades of Grey, and you turn grey in bed.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

Why did the guy's birthday party stink?

Because he was turning farty!

How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Steven Hawking had dark humor.

Whenever he turned on his laugh effect, it diverted power from his screen brightness.

How to escape your black school teacher in detention?

(Easy)

Turn off the lights!

Yo mama's so dumb, she waited until the stop sign turned blue.

Yo mama's so fat, when she got pregnant, she fell to the earth's core.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.