I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low......... better turn em on just stubbed my fucking toe"
What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole? A pedofile
I was walking down the street when i thought i smelled my ex's perfume, turns out i was standing in front of a fish market.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
what dose a pedophile and a light switch have in common
They both get turned on by children
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
Why did the guy's birthday party stink?
Because he was turning farty!
How do you create the worlds quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gaschamber.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends Chad just murdered his wife Claire and after doing that he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after My moms reply: Jesus Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess won’t he
Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist? He never learned to mix the colors
micheal jackson so white i turned blind
How do you get a light bulb horny? you turn it on!!
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...
Last Night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
How do u turn a baby into a dog? Douse it in gasoline- light a match-*WOOF*
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁