the only problem being short and gay is that when ever i try to tell people im top in my relationship they don’t believe me because im shorter then the person im dating like wtf

You don’t usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: “Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!”

Three friends were stuck in the desert they were struggling and trying to find food when. A they found a magical lamp the rubbed it and out came a genie and genie says “each of you friends get to have one wish” so the first friend said I wish to go home same as the second one the third friend said " I’m lonely I wish my friends were with me"

if you…- take a ccap of a bottle isit decapitaition soryr guys i tre i te i tried harder this tie i ll try again sorry i cant delteeete things

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands? Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen cuz my basement is still dark. Let’s try fourteen.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini. The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him. The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping, the boy asks “what is that man doing?”. The mom says “Making pizza” trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog f...ing another dog and he asks the same thing. She says “Making extra cheese”. When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says “Ordering the pizza”.

Later that day the mother says to the father “I think I want some to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, dont know why that sounds good”.

So that night the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs “wanna order some pizza !?”

The mother replied “DONT WORRY IM MAKING SOME”

the sons voice followed " IM ADDING EXTRA CHEESE"

A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will You be my girlfriend? Girl: No, because you have a gun and a sword. Man: But I am already in love with you. And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy. The girl is glad that the has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again. Man: Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl. And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender. Man: And here is some candy. And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too. One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him." Girl: I hate you, ugly man! Man: Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl? The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don’t serve-" And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun, and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can’t believe what he just saw. So he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender. 999 Service Guy: 999, what’s your emergency? Old man: I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword I his bag. 999 Service Guy: Okay, no worries. 1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face. Guy sitting at a table in the bar: That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him. And the police show up. First Policeman: Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag? The girl points to the man and says "This man." Second Policeman: Let’s arrest him. Man: No, wait! I can explain. Third Policeman: Get in the back of the car. When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years." One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison. The police see him and run after him. Third Policeman: Come back here! The man doesn’t listen, and he keeps running. So the police shoot him and he dies. And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

So I thought about trying to eat a clock one day. After about 13 tries, I realised this was very time consuming

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, “Whats that?” the little boy says, “That’s my little red race car.” 10 minutes later the boy looks down and asks, “Whats that?” the little girl says, "that’s my little red race car garage.” So later that night the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage, She said yes and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage but it won’t fit. Down stairs the mother hears an ear piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor, the mother asks "What happened?” the little girl says, “We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit so i cut the back wheels off.”

When I trying to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I trying to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

Is it a bad to hit an orphan? What are they gonna do tell their parents? Well… I mean they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.

I met this kid and he was being bullied by 9 people. I Asked 1 whats going on. They all said another one to bully they all tried hitting me and then my mates which was like 15 of them came in and it was like war all over again.

my friend wast laughing at my jokes so i said is you funny bone broken but he git mad and than i said do you have bone to pick with me he try to insult me but i said call me what you want i got think skin and this story was down to the bone

What Did One Bean say To The Other Bean !

How You Bean !!