Try jokes
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
I killed 5 orphans and tried to sell their organs.
Nobody still wanted them.
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
Try not to <3.
Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.
So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!
I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!
What's a energy drink orphans never tried? "Mother".
Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)
JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.
Did you hear about the emo kid that tried to high-five a tree? It left him hanging.
The emo tried to high five the tree, and it left him hanging.
The emo kid tried to give the tree a high five, but the tree left him hanging.
How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!