Touch jokes

How do inmates keep in touch?

They have cell phones.

Last night I had the strangest dream!

I sailed away to China!

And I caught the coronavirus!

You said you needed to wash your hands!

Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!

And you said!!

Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!

Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!

Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!

Why did your mum touch me? Because she was a pedo.

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.

Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."

Yo mama so fat, she didn't just cross the border; she crossed ALL the borders.

Short version: Yo mama so fat she touches every border.

I bet your hairline goes inside your private part, and your girlfriend can’t even touch it.

I like touching things that have been in space. I was super excited when I got to meet an astronaut.

White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!

How do baseballs communicate?

They touch base!

A 10 year old girl reported to her friends that her 16 year old male babysitter was touching her inappropriately. He quickly lost his job as a babysitter.

A 10 year old boy reported to his friends that his 16 year old female babysitter was touching him inappropriately. She quickly became the most popular babysitter in town amongst boys.

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?

A PDF file.

Why can you not let an orphan touch an iPhone 7? Because it would break if they touched the home button.

What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?

Answer: A promise.

Your hairline can fit a truck without touching either side.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Go touch some grass, bro.

My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!

When baseball players want to get together, what will they do?

Touch base.

Yo mama so fat, when she touched the stairs, it said, "To be continued!"