Worst Jokes Ever
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
Why was Michael Jackson fired as a guitar teacher?
Because he fingered a minor.
Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?
Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.
I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"
Q: What's black, white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
When is rape normal?
When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.
I'm hertophobic -
aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.
What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)
Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.
What do you call a Native American with a boner?
A redwood.
There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?
A cop.
I saw this girl with blue hair and slapped her wrist and said, “NICE CUT G!”
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.