Worst Jokes Ever

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

The "S" in Putin stands for smart.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

Women should be allowed to choose: dishes or cooking first.

We don't read backwards.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

I went to an orphanage and had a yo mama smack down. That's it.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits a car's windshield at 100 mph?

Its ass.

Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅

It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."

What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear hahaha.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Did you know that Uranus is as big as the moon?

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

What is purple, small, and rinsed off in a drainer?

A bunch of grapes! 🍇

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.