Worst Jokes Ever
What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?
They’re both in my bed.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don’t like dicks.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?
What do you call an orphan? No home-o.
An emo tried to give me a high five...
I left him hanging.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀
Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.
Son: Why, Dad?
Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.
Why do orphans hate family-size candy?
Because they can't share it with their family.
The F in orphans stands for family...
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Why were the Twin Towers disappointed?
They asked for a pepperoni pizza and all they got was a plane.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.
Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
Man: Cow milk is drinkable.
Other man: How do you know that?
Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*
Other man: John...h-how do you know that!