Worst Jokes Ever
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree?
It left him hanging.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Suck dick.
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
What do you call depressed Sesame Street?
Emo's World.
The emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the Oreos.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalottapuss.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"