What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Worst Jokes Ever
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
One day, an orphan threw a boomerang, and it didn’t come back like its parents.
Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
