Worst Jokes Ever

I tried to get into an emo bar, but I didn't make the cut.

Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?

A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

I wasn't going to tell another rape joke but fuck it.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Q. What's an emo's favorite type of comedy?

A. Gallows humor.

Q' What's an Alzheimer's victim's favorite type of comedy?

A. I forget.

Trump got a new jet.

He's probably already licked the windows.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.

It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.

I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.

Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?

A. A mixed vegetable.

Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.

That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

Did you hear about the bull who went on a shooting rampage?

I guess he was a little deranged.

When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

They already lost two towers.

What is the worst player in basketball? LeBron James.