A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
Why do orphans play GTA?
So they can feel wanted.
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.
Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Cause they already lost two towers.
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...
she died the next morning.
are you an orphanage? why? because i wanna put my kids in you
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.
Why was ten scared?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
I have no father. Like if you relate.
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Like if you have balls.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.
Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.
And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
What do you call an emo strip club?
Suicidal Thots.
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
