Worst Jokes Ever
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?...
Michael Phelps can finish a race.
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
We have the best schools for it.
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.
How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.
How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.
My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.
I ate a baby, it tasted like baby.
Your mum stinks of disabled people.
Wanna know why?
I don't know either, you tell me.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."