Worst Jokes Ever
One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
Are you sure your father isn't a thief?
Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
How are gay people like mice?
They both hate pussies.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
Who's better, Hitler or Jesus?
Hitler: Jesus made bread for 1000 whereas Hitler made meat for 10,000. 😅😅😅😅 (no offense)
(To circumcised people)
Why is hangman always done in black ink?
To make it more realistic.
Why did the cheese go to therapy? Because it had too many emotional holes.
What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Q: Why was 10 afraid?
A: Because he was always between 9/11.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
What do you call an autistic kid with orange hair?
A boomerang.
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
What do you call meat in an oven?
Africa.
I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.
How do you make a lesbian upset?
Give her a multiplication test.