Worst Jokes Ever
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
I don't trust atoms. They always make stuff up.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
kys
America once was known as an Obama nation. Now we're known as an abomination.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
A blind guy shot up a town.
I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.
Me: "I like kids."
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.