Worst Jokes Ever

What did the cow say?

Moo!

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.

Why was Mrs. Claus upset?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."

What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?

He ate 12-year-old nuts.

What did the plane say to the tower?

"Give me a kiss."

What do orphans call family pictures?

A selfie.

The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!