Worst Jokes Ever

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?

A: The size of balls they play with.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50 and Jack came down smiling.

Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.

Which way did the cow jump over the moon?

- The Milky Way!

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Why are mountains never serious?

Because they’re hill areas.

What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

What do you call a rich Chinese man? Ching Ching.

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!