I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Worst Jokes Ever
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
A: Nothing! He was hung over.
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.
When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”
What's great about an emo pizza?
It cuts itself. Yay!
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Q: What was the orphan's first phone?
A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
What happens when an asian with an erection bumps into a wall? he breaks his nose
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
For orphans, every bag of chips is family size.
Your mom's so fat that One Punch Man had to take two punches.
Osama's aim was horrible. One of his angry birds missed and hit a field in Pennsylvania.
I wanted to play as Kobe in my console, but the game crashed.
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
