Worst Jokes Ever
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Suicide is the way to get even with the bitch called probability.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
Elmo, stop penetrating the orphan!
Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
Old man: I ran over five miles today.
Q: Why is Hitler better than Biden?
A: Because Hitler gave gas to his people for free.
How did the Indian suicide bomber blow himself up?
He pressed the red button.
What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
Say "invented" without the first "n".
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.
Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?
They both can crash down.
If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.
Elephants never forget.
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
You call it a burning orphanage. I call it FNAF lore.