Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Worst Jokes Ever
Why do orphans use water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
I was just chilling in the World Trade Center and got airplane wifi.
I donated a computer to the orphanage...
It didn’t have a motherboard.
What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?
You just got fruit-rolled.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.
What were Michael Jackson's last words? "Take me to the children's hospital."
Yo mama so fat, she needed cheat codes for Wii Fit!
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.
Three boys are playing on a slide when a genie appeared.
The genie says, "Whatever you shout when you go down the slide, I will grant you a bucket full of."
The first boy goes down the slide shouting, "diamonds!", and he gets a bucket of diamonds.
The second boy goes down the slide and shouts, "gold!", and gets a bucket of gold.
The third boy, who never listens or pays attention, goes down the slide and shouts "weeeeeeee!"
Imagine being such a low life that you need people to roast you to have stuff to do.