Told jokes

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.