Told Jokes

My friend has glasses and we were talking about owls, and i told my friend to give a owl glasses. i told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl! (`~look up spectacled owl~`)

there was a girl called Millie and she had sexy blond hair and she wanted to chase me but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me

so i went to my freinds house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out i dont like visitors.

Some guy come to me and said I'm your dad friend.. he ask me to pick you up.. *Laughing freaking hard* and told him you dig the grave?

Teacher told me to turn in my essay but I ain't no snitch fool

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye! Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames

my dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls, hes the one that told me always aim for them, is that why i dont have a brother

I once told an orphan to go big or go home, he replied I can't get home it got bombed

I met a baseball player , so I told him to make a home run , and he just looked at me with sadness I don't know why

By the way he was an orphan

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him your life is ruined. So Jim took a picture of her and the next thing you know he said is NOW MY PHONE IS RUINED.

BlessedBrian, your secrets are safe with ME... because I wasn’t LISTENING when you told them

Ms Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that. Little Johnny: Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

My proctologist used to be a photographer, he took x-rays and told me to bend over and say cheese

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory, one day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station,I told her so you can weigh yourself on the truck scale.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, That some dick cut her off.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

I went fishing with my grandpa and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun. A black man said where are the young ones.