Told jokes

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

I told a blonde she needed gas for her car, and she farted into the gas tank.

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."