They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!
Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
I met a baseball player , so I told him to make a home run , and he just looked at me with sadness I don't know why
By the way he was an orphan
i saw a girl crying i told her where are your parents She cried more after that i got kicked out of the Orphanage
My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?
My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
My mom told me to be positive...
I was heading to an HIV test.
Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes So she gave me a hug
