Told jokes

If I told you Jeremy Palacios was not GAY!

I'd be a liar.

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

I told my friend to fly a plane,

But he threw a ramp off a roof.

I told my sister a Dairy joke.

She said it was cheesy.

I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

I told a blonde she needed gas for her car, and she farted into the gas tank.

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.