Told jokes

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

What is an orphan’s least favorite movie?

"Spider-Man," because it told them there was no way home.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

What do you call a person with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you told them twice.

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it... Oh, wait.

So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.

The next day I saw a dead orphan.

I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.

God, orphanages are fun to work at!!

Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

My friend told me to name a country in Africa.

So I said, "Hungry."

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...