Told jokes

I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

So I told an orphan if her mom is hot, he wouldn't stop crying.

We were versing year 8 at footy, and they were mostly black, so I told my white friend to WATCH OUT!!!

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

Gwen: Prince, they told me you'd be crying back. What do you want?

Prince: Nothing...BUT CAN WE GET BACK TOGETHER!?!??

Gwen: Sorry...BUT...I have a life to live now. I'm logging off this site and going to watch some TV. I'll be back in 1 hour, but we are done...DONE...DONE.

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?

Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”

He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

WebMD: Cancer.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

One time a girl was telling her boyfriend if she could have sex with him for just a little bit, and he said sure, so she just started having sex. She asked him if they could have a baby, but he said sure and started going hard. She told him she was joking, but he wouldn't get off. So she did the 69, and months later, she died, and he said he thinks he killed her with sex.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Bro told me this when he passed away.

I’m “Fading.”