My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So, she told her sister, and her sister said that ain't nothing, mine's already eating bananas.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂
This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
