My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
i told the emo girl that i bet shes jealous of the hanging lights in the gym
He told me that he was in a wheelchair and I asked "Oh, wheely?"
I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them...
But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I told my dad is was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day....but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
They told me I could never be an actor....
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A boy was following me for 8 years even in to the stall I finally told him I’m not gay
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said "but the world is round"
I said, babe you are my world.
