Told jokes

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

I told this man to rev his vehicle.

Didn't know wheelchairs can't rev.

The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi:

"The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there."

😳

I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

This girl called me cute, and I told her don’t call me that. She says why, I told her, “Bitch, call me the Hokage!”

One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.

Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.

Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.

Mom: Well, it’s my house.

Little Johnny: Then go clean it.

Mom: Go to school!

At school:

Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.

Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.

Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

So guys, I have a friend who is named Sarah, and I was riding bikes with her the other day, and she told me she is gay. I totally support her. I love that she is open about it and not scared to tell people about it. I hope you guys can support her too! I love you all! :)))

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"

You know what I told my little brother plane?