Told jokes

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

The orphan was playing baseball. He hit a home run. His coach told him to run home. He couldn't find it.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.