Told jokes

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

The orphan was playing baseball. He hit a home run. His coach told him to run home. He couldn't find it.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.