Told jokes

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?

Ground Beef.

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

You know what I told my little brother plane?

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

I told a joke to an orphan, turns out he wasn't an orphan...

I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.

I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"