Told Jokes

The orphan was playing baseball, he hit a home run. His coach told him to run home. He couldn't find it.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

I told a kid his dad I's a magician because he disappeared and never came back home

I was beefin wit a dude and a wheel chair so I took his wheel chair and threw it across the street and told him walk it off u will be fine

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like ur striped red and tan gloves" and she asked "where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "oh I made the red stripes myself"

Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

Me walking in to the office: Principle: tell me what u did? Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was a end portal....

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult "I know the whole truth" they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom "I know the whole truth" and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said "I know the whole truth" and his dad gave him 40$ an said don't tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said "I know the whole truth" then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

when i sh one day, my mother told me that it cuter her deep, we both found that very amusing

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball as told her to “read this book”.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.

Why can orphans never be kidnapped? No-one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up"

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking. But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them “because I’m such a noose-ance.”

Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen. "Are those brownies, I smell?", he asks. "Indeed, they are.", he was told. "Gee", he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts."