The orphan was playing baseball. He hit a home run. His coach told him to run home. He couldn't find it.
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.
Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.
I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.
My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."
One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking. But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
