Toilet jokes

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!

Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."

Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."

It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

So you're the one!

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?

Why did the Octopus go down the toilet?

Because he had a toilet call in the drain.

Why did the human eat cereal in the bathroom?

So he could querk.

Why did the mop lick the floor of the bathroom? Because it was so poopy.

Why did the little girl flush herself down the toilet?

Because she wanted to join the Brownies.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Together we can stop this shit."

PERSON: I need to go so bad!

TOILET: Long time no pee!!!