Today jokes
I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.
Watch BNHA season 4 today!
Hi guys, I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you! Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.
My owl turned 180 today.
He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Uranus is up in the sky today.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
What did one ankle say to the other? Good morning, how are you today?
Hi, how are you today?
How long is it?
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."