Today jokes

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

I got kicked out of a library today because I put a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

I got in trouble today because I threw a lamp at the emo kid and said, "Lighten up!"

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

My dog died today. 😥

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"

Teacher: Hi class, today we will learn about the song, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down."

Then one student said, "I thought it was 'Twin Towers are falling down, falling down!'"

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.