Today jokes

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Today, a kid in a wheelchair was rolling around the class to get away from this one annoying kid, so I told him, "Brayden, just get up and walk away."

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

Today I feel Qatari. Today I feel Arab. Today I feel African. Today I feel gay. Today I feel disabled. Today I feel a migrant worker.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

I got kicked out of a library today because I put a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

I got in trouble today because I threw a lamp at the emo kid and said, "Lighten up!"

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

My dog died today. 😥