Today jokes

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?

B: Because today we had a parent meetup.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

I tried to catch fog today. I mist.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.