Today jokes

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

Sorry to take your time today for a few minutes. We are cool, but not the best.

Today we had a test on September 11th in school. I got a 9/11.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb. I said, "Awww, are you an orphan?" He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Yes, the Queen has died today. Can the people of the world please finally tell Harry to stop cross-dressing as her?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.

Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.

And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.