New Today Jokes - Page 7 - Worst Jokes Ever

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

Sorry to take your time today for a few minutes. We are cool, but not the best.

Today we had a test on September 11th in school. I got a 9/11.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb. I said, "Awww, are you an orphan?" He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Yes, the Queen has died today. Can the people of the world please finally tell Harry to stop cross-dressing as her?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.

Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.

And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

I groomed 2 minors today.

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."