Time

Time jokes

Lesbian

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

Surname

A little riddle...

Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?

...

Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?

Bff

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

Emo

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.

Memes

Eye

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Engineering

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

Suicide

Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.

Blonde

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

Crowbar

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.

March

Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!

Blonde

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

The lady says, "Come again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Man

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Mum

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

Dad

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

Fat Man

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.