I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.
Time Jokes
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.
I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
The lady says, "Come again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
I sleep in a castle once every 2 weeks.
It's my fort knight.
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.
