Time jokes
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.
Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.
When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:
Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.
Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?
Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
Why did the boy shoot the clock?
Joe mama so fat when she went to the movies, she sat next to everybody.
Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time, please."
Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."
People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.
I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Dad: Son, I came back.
Son: Where is the milk?
Dad: Time for another 10 years.
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...
...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
I asked a librarian if they had a section with Rocky Horror books.
She said: "Sure, just take a jump to the left and then a step to the right."
One time in the butt. Two times in the butt. Three times in the butt makes a slut hot and wet.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!