Time jokes
One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...
Your hairline is so far back that it dated back to 13 BC.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?
9:11 AM
Your mama is so fat.
She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.
Your mama is so fat, I had to look twice to get a first impression.
By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.
Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.
You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself…
A piece of cake.
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He only took a day off.
I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?
What goes up but never comes down?
What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.
When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.
Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.