Thought jokes

Everyone thought I'd have a great year...

14 years just gave me more chances.

Yo mamma so dumb, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

Yo head so freaking small, people thought it was an expired grape.

Does anyone ever get tired of being random? Me neither.

I thought it would be fun to become a shooter. It became less fun when I realized that "shooting a woman up" also included a condom.

A zebra couldn't find any grass. Then he saw a monkey cooking. He thought to steal a little, but he was burned in the fore, and the smoke was all over him. But when he went to the ocean, it was still there, and zebras are stuck in this style forever.

If you have a bad day, just think there are at least 15 people who care about you.

Bitch: Nice eyebrows.

Me: Yeah, where's yours, motherfucker?

Bitch: (Realizing she shaved them off cause she thought it would look cool)

Dear NASA, your mom thought I was big enough.

–Pluto.

1273 please kill me, everyone hates me.

Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!

The fool says in his brain, "There is a god."

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Sodapop Curtis was actual soda.

Your forehead is so big, I thought it was Mount Chiliad.

Enemy: You know, I saw you walking down the street, and at first glance, I thought you were a fat and ugly bitch.

Me: Strange... Who puts a mirror in the middle of the street?

Yo momma so delusional, she thought your grandma's Venus flytrap was Audrey II.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!