Thought jokes

A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought Instagram was a weed delivery service.

You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

Fat kid jumps in the pool.

The popular girl: "I thought there was going to be a tsunami."

The fat kid: "I thought trash was not supposed to be in the ocean."

Your mama is so fat that when she went to run in a yellow jumpsuit, the kids thought they missed the school bus.

Your mama is so fat, when scientists discovered her, they thought it was a new galaxy.

The Eagles when they actually thought they were gonna win the Super Bowl. 😹

Your hairline is so ugly, I thought you were Shrek!

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

Your mama is so stupid, Patrick Starr ran away because he thought she might be contagious.

Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.

I thought gender reveal parties were only for newborns, not for teenagers.

Please encourage me to do suicide! ;P

Teacher: What comes after C?

Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!

Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?

Me: AK47!!!

Teacher thought: Oh hell na.

Teacher: What comes after X?

Me: Xplosin.

1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.

Yo mama so scary that the monsters have to look under the bed for her.

Yo mama so ugly that the monsters thought that she was their mother.

Why did the Twin Towers fall exactly at 9/11?

Because the terrorists thought that it would be fun to call 911 as a "prank."

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ