Things jokes

So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.

What's the opposite of an exorcism?

When Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child...

What’s one thing Obama proved during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he’s still going to have the cops on his back.

What is the only thing lesbians know how to grow? Cucumbers.

Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:

1. A Lambo

2. A House

3. UR MOM

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

Hello everyone! I just came back! How are things going?

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.

Friend: What was the first?

Me: They- they weren't always orphans.

Friend: O-O

Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.

Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.

The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.

I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.