Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.
Friend: What was the first?
Me: They- they weren't always orphans.
Friend: O-O
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
Hello everyone! I just came back! How are things going?
I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.
Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.
This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
What's the opposite of an exorcism?
When Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child...
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
"What's 9 + 10?"
"21" (lol XD)
Also:
"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)
One more thing:
Ninja has ligma.
What’s one thing Obama proved during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he’s still going to have the cops on his back.
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
It would be pretty funny if something that's not a joke was the most liked thing. It would be pretty funny, I think, lol. Just a little funny, lol.
