Things Jokes

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

My favorite thing to do on my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can? Good thing it was a "Soft" drink

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"

What is the best thing about being an orphan all bag of chips are family sized

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your sibblings. (Put the knives away >:)

Primary School Maths Teacher: Maths has no Limits! High School Maths Teacher: There's this thing called Limits.

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him ... everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market ... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something. Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

One day in class little Johnny was mucking around not listening to the teacher after 5 minutes the teacher caught him and finsh what she said and said little Johnny if you weren’t listening what was the last thing I said and little Johnny replied back you said what was the last thing I said

Guys I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things. *proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death? The HIV test results.

What is the best thing about being back Free bullets

Why do orphans like stealiing things. They wanted to have copany

my grand mother made her passage on the titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

Your so fat the only thing you could be for halloween was the coolaid man

What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted? Still being in the orphanage at 13.

The only thing they can see are there chopsticks

what's the worst thing to happen to a japanese person in ww2...being drafted as a kamikaze pilot or existing with a fat man or little boy