Person: you suck!!!!! Me: tell that to your mom and she’ll say the same thing, honey 😎
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
If museums are full of dead things...
Then why aren't there any memes inside them?
a surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery
boss: "we have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "how?"
surgeon: "I thought to do your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "get out"
When I was born the doctors said , “it’s a boy!” Then when they went to cut the embilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said , “OH, It’s a girl.”
Your so poor people break into your house and leave things
Highest level of insult by a girl by seeing a guy's dick: I can shit bigger logs than that thing of your's 🤣
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry. She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldnt hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
I told a Seal a joke it went like "Why did the kid cross the playground" he said "why?" I said "To get to the other slide" and then he said "thats the sealiest thing Ive ever heard"
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
Q: Why did the flat earther become gay?
A: He knows a thing or 2 about giving dome.
Q: Why did he eventually become asexual?
A: He doesn't believe in anything south of the border.
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip and he died that was the last thing we did together and I will never forget his last words “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS”
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
student: what's the best thing in the world teacher: i don't know what student: hard rock cock
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
