Thing jokes

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast!

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

When I see your face, there's one thing I want to change.

The direction I'm looking.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do when nobody's home?

Beat it.

What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?

The doctor taking off his watch.

What runs but never stops?

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.