Thing jokes

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast!

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

When I see your face, there's one thing I want to change.

The direction I'm looking.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?

The doctor taking off his watch.

What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What runs but never stops?

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits a car's windshield at 100 mph?

Its ass.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free delivery XD

Quote for the day.

I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

Also, loving is so much more to give instead! Always remember to love!!! Best-Gwen :)

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"