Thing jokes
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?
My dick.
Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.
The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
None. Feminists can't change anything.
What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?
A bullet.
Of course!
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Are you kidding? Feminists can’t change anything.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
Things to kids:
Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."
A Good Parent: "My baby!"
Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.
What’s one thing orphans don’t have on their computer? A home page.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?
You can hide your own Easter Eggs!