Thing jokes
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?
You keep the tradition of hitting black things.
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
Nothing, she was hung over.
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.
If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.
What was the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Q: I like elephants.
A: Everything else is irrelephant.
So things are just too tiring to sort out... like which adoption center you should send your son to?
The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.
Why are blind people bad at catching things? Because they never see it coming.
You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.
What an upside to being an orphan!
There's things called family-size bags.
My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
So I replied, "No, it doesn't."
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?
Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.