They jokes
What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?
They both see things they shouldn't.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
When a hedgehog finds poop, they put it in their mouths. They mix it with saliva until it's a foam, then rub it on themselves.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why do orphans only have Samsung's? Because they don't have a home button.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,
but I never realized they suited me.
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after every third period!
I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.
lmao why do people think they can fly?
On the day of 9/11, the WTC's ordered cheese and pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.
Yo mama so ugly that when she watched The Outsiders, they became The Insiders.
I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.
Your balls are growing too big that they will pop like a balloon!
Why are Americans bad at chess? Because they have already lost two towers.
Ralphie: They put drugs in our medication?
Me: The medication is the drugs.
Why can't the orphans play baseball?
They have no home to run to...
How do cows say "oof?"
They say, "MOOf."