They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
Question: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny!
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
There are 6 kinds of vitamins. Wanna know how the 6th vitamin was made? Just ask the Ku Klux Klan, they will tell you.
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!
A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.
She replied "Oh fuck off, you wont bring it back!"
I went to China and said, "I have a big cock," so they thought I said they look like a cock. Then I realized I said it in English.
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
why do orphans have phones? because they don't know how to call home
Why is North Korea so good at Geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
Dark jokes are like kids with cancer, They never get old.
When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
How do bees get to school?
They take the buzz.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
