Them jokes
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? I don't know, either. It depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you get ten babies in a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Doritos.
What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl? A blender. What's the best way to get them out? A blender.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
What’s the best part about having sex with 23 year olds... there’s 20 of them.
Guy 2 whispering: Oh, I got tired of acting gay.
Guy 1: I heard you. Why are you acting gay?
Guy 2: To attract gays and then give them advice.
Guy 1: So what's your advice to me?
Guy 2: That I just know you're gay.
LOL xD
I made a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, all of them don't work.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!
Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."