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Them jokes

There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walked into a bar. The bartender told them there was a magic mirror in the bathroom. He said that if you spoke the truth in front of the mirror, you would have your greatest desires, but if you told a lie, you would disappear.

The redhead said that she was the prettiest girl in the bar, and she walked out of the bathroom, and she got a thousand dollars. The brunette walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar. She walked out of the bar with a new car. The blonde went in, she said, "I think..." poof, she was gone.

Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.

The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.

The guys show up and the guards shoot them.

The guys die because the guards used real guns.

What did one pillow say to the other?

Nothing, meh, they just sang a song about a rogue chicken whose feathers had been sacrificed to make them.

The optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The feminist thinks the glass is raping them.

A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.

The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"

He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."

They eat them, jump off, and die.

He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

  • 3

    • What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

    Condoms!

    What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

    Showing them the ropes.

  • 1

    • Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.

  • 6

    • How do Chinese people name their children?

    They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.