The jokes

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

Why did the bee get married?

Because she found her honey.

What did the traffic light 🚦 say to the car 🚗? Don’t look, I’m about to change!

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

Jack got a big shock with a mouth full of huge cock, because Jill's real name is Randy, and she had no candy, just he gave Jack a handy.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because he forgot to plug in the charger.

Why did the skeleton not go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with.

Joe mama so fat when she went to the movies, she sat next to everybody.

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time, please."

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?

"Mind if I join you?"

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.

Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.

22 ants were playing football in a saucer.

One ant said to another one, “We'll have to play better tomorrow. We're playing in the cup!”