The jokes

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

They put the woman's rights in the fantasy section in the library.

I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.

They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!

It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Why couldn’t the orphan find home?

Didn’t have eyes.

Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?

Friends: No, what is it?

Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.

Why didn't the orphan cross the road? Where was he gonna go?

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."

Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?

She wanted to be for sure for sure!

Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!

Q: How did the explorers get to school?

A: They rode the Colum-bus!

Why does the heart listen to music a lot?

Because it loves feeling the beat.

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."